from frail to flying.

I find that when I am most oblivious, wonderful things happen. Like I'm sitting alone and this guy introduces himself to me? Little do I know this moment answers many questions that I had been asking for months.
Did I make the right decision?
Am in the right place?
And in that moment, I feel I was told that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
And as a week has transpired (feels like a couple months, really), I keep on asking someone to pinch me because of this fairytale-like dream. Because of the comfort. And because of the sheer perfection of this guy.
Sure, he's only a few inches taller than me.
But that is about the only thing I can find as a fault in him..something he can't even change.
ARE YOU KILLING ME?!
God plopped Prince Charming down on me, even though I still was in my rags and didn't know when the ball began.
And still, Charming sees something in me, likes me, and has whisked me off my feet.
I can't even believe. I've been shaking my head nonstop at the wonder and this blessing.

stuff it.

so I almost went away with a guy to a foreign country that I barely knew this week.
my family caught me in the last second and begged me to come back.
stubbornly, i returned.
when they called crying, telling me how much they loved me and how valuable i was to them, i felt nothing. i knew should feel extreme sorrow for making them stay up all night and worry their hearts out for me. i knew i should have been more careful and not booked a trip with a stranger, but i didn't feel...anything.

i felt numb.
still do to be honest.
i have dealt with enough heartache and loss in my life that a little more doesn't seem like it will hurt me.
they were worried that he would rape me or kidnap me.
literally my thought process was that if that happened, i could get over it and that life would go on.
because i've done that many times before.
you see, i've dealt with a varying degrees of hell in my life.
addiction, temptation, divorce, betrayal, suicidal thoughts, rejection, loneliness, abuse.
so if you add another to the list, it doesn't seem like it would make anymore of a difference.
to me, at least.

i hope i can begin to feel again and that i can live life without the burdens of darkness weighing me down.

i don't blame anyone for the things that i have experienced in my life. i wouldn't be who i am without them. i do need to sort through and find the true me and let go of past hurt and fear.

i hope my family can forgive me for the pain i caused them. it wasn't intentional and it was not to seek attention.

this experience really helped me to see that there was more going on behind the scenes with my emotions than i thought.

after months of thinking..

You can't make decisions.
Your answer is always "I don't know."
What do you know?
You are selfish.
Have you ever thought about how your actions might affect others?
Like, oh, I don't know, bringing dates with you to events where you know I will see you.
Does that not cross your mind as wrong?
Maybe for ten seconds, I see a spark of hope in you.
But then you do something so dumb and childish.
Grow up.
What's it going to take for you--another ten years--to grow up?
By then you'll be in your forties and still won't know what's going on.

Manipulation Nation.
Going to dances but never taking chances.
Time to change.
Unless you want to stay the same, keep playing your player's game.
Bite your nails, you will continue to fail.
You would rather continually sink than sail.
Oh well.

I tried, man.
To forgive you.
To love you despite it all.
But sometimes you gotta catch yourself from the hopeless fall.
Pull and the parachute explodes.
Heaven knows,
I can't head another second into your toxicity.
You're done playing me.

end up with an ugly one.

So, I have just come upon this theory:

All attractive guys are either married or idiots.

Now, what do I mean by idiots?
I mean arrogant, self-righteous, prideful players OR obliviousness {just does not know what the heck is going on} that needs a whack in the face.

Why do I feel this statement isn't opinion, but fact?
Because every guy I come in contact with right now under that category is one of the two.

Now, attractive is a very objective word. What's attractive to me could be "ew" to someone else.
So anyone that ranges under my idea of attractive is either married, an idiot, or gay.

I can get over the married ones. I'm happy for them! They look happy. So, I'm happy.

The ones that play girls, don't ask girls out, or are just outright cocky, I have problems with.

It seems any guy anymore with some heart and sensitivity is sub-par attractive.
They're good but not good enough.
That's a little rude, but I feel I deserve someone a little cuter..but that may not happen if he's just stuck up!

you've been lonely too long.

You are aware of your walls.
Your defenses.
And oh, I know how you yearn for them to be burnt down.
Let me in.
I won't hurt you.

You say you've been lonely so long you don't know how you couldn't be.
You say you're so afraid to fall because you don't want to get hurt.

Realize that I won't hurt you.

It's time to take a risk.
You'll regret it if you don't.

I see you contemplating on the inside.
Deep down, you already know the answer.
I can see it in your eyes, your actions.
But your mind won't let you.
And that's your problem.
You've told me that you've trained yourself to think with your mind instead of your heart.
But your mind can't comprehend love and relationships.
So turn your heart back on and you will find the answer.

Because when you think logically, you realize how forbidden our love is, just like you said.
You think of the time that would be wasted if we didn't end up together.
You think of the opportunity cost.
You think of this all as if us girls are statistics on a page and you're seeing which one has the better sum.
The one who can produce the best product.


I'm falling for you.
I know it without a doubt.
I'm scared as well.
I have many concerns that I have thought of in my mind.
But I'm going to let myself fall.
Because, for you, it's worth the risk.
Of getting my heart broken.
Of listening to sad songs for a month and eating too much chocolate.
It's so worth it because you are what I want.
And if I fail, so be it.
I think that's what is so beautiful about it all.
I'm willing to be in the depths of despair for the possibility that you might pick me.

can i be enough for you?

You keep on waiting for the next best thing.

For years you've been waiting for that perfect moment, the perfect girl. 

But what you haven't realized that it's sitting right here.

The answer, the one.

Yet you're blind and keep on with your life of a bachelor because you think that girl is still around the corner.

Eventually you'll run out of walls to walk around.

Eventually you'll have to deal with the walls you've put up. 

The time you've wasted. 

And the girl you've let go.

Because I don't know if I can wait any longer.

I don't know if I can hold my heart out for you, while you play with it like play dough. 

You joke that I'm just your part-time girl.

But it's not a joke.

It's true.

You want me when you want me, but then you see that gorgeous girl and forget.

Forget our chemistry.

Our long conversations.

Our easy moments of silence.

How everything just worked so naturally.

I've never been enough for anyone in my life.

And now you're just making my predicament even worse.

I've been justifying your actions, thinking that you might eventually change.

But I don't think players change.

And I think you're okay with playing the game for another few years.

So when you're done looking for perfection, and when you realize that no one is perfect, realize that the perfect girl for you is long gone.

Because she didn't want to be loved part-time.

She wanted love full-time.

wanted. loved. accepted.

You know, I wish I could say I feel those words from my family and my friends. 

But I don’t. 

Almost the opposite.

One second I’m fine. Riding on Cloud 9.

The next, I’m back in the dust, cringing from the head rush from the fall.

I don’t feel like I am ever good enough for my parents.

You would like to think that once you are living on your own and out of their reach that you wouldn’t need to feel it anymore. 

But when it seems like you’re so alone in the world of new friends and few friends, you want that rock solid love you know you can depend on.

And I don’t have that.

So, I feel like I’m bipolar.

My mood swings are horrendous.

And at the end of the day, I swallow the lump in my throat and hug myself goodnight whispering, “it’s going to be okay, sweetheart.”

That very sentence I’ve been telling myself for years now.

I want someone to hold me close for a few seconds longer than normal and whisper that exact thing to me.

For a few seconds I feel like my mom loves me the way I am.

Then I get a phone call with yells on the other end that I keep messing up.

All of that just says to me, “You’re never good enough. How can you be so dumb, little girl?”

The few calls I get from my father all surround 3 things: music, money, and boys that I shouldn’t be dating.

Because when my dad left the house, I was only 13.

Because my dad still sees me that way.

Because my dad doesn’t even know me.

He doesn’t know my talents, my struggles, my friends, my thoughts and perspectives.

All he knows is that I am going to college and that I am dating guys that are never good enough.

How would he know if he doesn’t even ask about their personality? Only their stats.

Cause that’s what matters in the end, right?

Where you’re from.

What you do.

How much money you make.

What you look like.

So many people let that DEFINE them.

Least important things in my opinion.

Where is his heart?

How does he treat you?

What are his talents?

Never am I asked those questions.

Somedays, I feel like I have no strength to go on.

I’m put off. Placed on the back-burner. Forgotten.

Never good enough.

Good, but not quite there.

Yet, I’m so kind. Loyal. I listen. I give advice if needed. I care. Genuinely.

And I keep getting pushed. Shoved.

So I recede even deeper into the fractured shell I want to completely break.

But I have to keep rebuilding it after it’s been broken.

Because for a moment, I thought I could trust.

I thought someone absolutely had my back.

And then that moment ended.

So I become a passive pushover.

A dandelion in the wind, whose seeds are strewn across the earth with no home.

An annoying fly that whizzes away when you don’t want it there anymore.

Get the fly swatters out. I'll keep flying till my time is up.