stuff it.

so I almost went away with a guy to a foreign country that I barely knew this week.
my family caught me in the last second and begged me to come back.
stubbornly, i returned.
when they called crying, telling me how much they loved me and how valuable i was to them, i felt nothing. i knew should feel extreme sorrow for making them stay up all night and worry their hearts out for me. i knew i should have been more careful and not booked a trip with a stranger, but i didn't feel...anything.

i felt numb.
still do to be honest.
i have dealt with enough heartache and loss in my life that a little more doesn't seem like it will hurt me.
they were worried that he would rape me or kidnap me.
literally my thought process was that if that happened, i could get over it and that life would go on.
because i've done that many times before.
you see, i've dealt with a varying degrees of hell in my life.
addiction, temptation, divorce, betrayal, suicidal thoughts, rejection, loneliness, abuse.
so if you add another to the list, it doesn't seem like it would make anymore of a difference.
to me, at least.

i hope i can begin to feel again and that i can live life without the burdens of darkness weighing me down.

i don't blame anyone for the things that i have experienced in my life. i wouldn't be who i am without them. i do need to sort through and find the true me and let go of past hurt and fear.

i hope my family can forgive me for the pain i caused them. it wasn't intentional and it was not to seek attention.

this experience really helped me to see that there was more going on behind the scenes with my emotions than i thought.