why is it that i'm confused?

so I told myself this crap--this BULL SHIT--wouldn't happen again.
but here I am.
feeling this unsettled feeling in my stomach.
worried.
abandoned, yet in the arms of my so-called love.

HOW
WHY
do I do this to myself?

I want to cry but then I want to run into his arms.
I think that's called a narcissistic relationship, if I've ever heard one.
you hate them, you love them.
I feel buried.
but I want him.
I want to believe his intentions are pure.
that he doesn't mean to silence me and gaslight me.

I try to stand up for myself, but I get shut down.
now i'm afraid of sharing my thoughts for the fear of awakening the beast.
but i'm too afraid of walking away cause it's not that bad.
cause a mediocre relationship is better than nothing, right?

when will I wake up to what I deserve?
dear little girl, dear self, believe you are worth more than the moon and the stars, so demand something more.
and if you don't get that?
Walk. Away.
the hardest part. but you are strong enough to do it.

I don't want to look in the mirror anymore with sad eyes.
I don't want to pretend everything is fine when I talk to my friends.
I don't want to keep waiting for it to be like it was originally.
cause that ain't comin back.

why can't people just be good? why do I have to love and trust so easily?
why do I lose my identity for a guy? for every guy?
why do I insist on erasing myself from my own freaking picture?

i was the exception.

i was the less-than-1-percent that made it past the first few rounds.

just because he felt something different with me that made him want to keep going.

and even when we split, we couldn't stay apart. 

i feel so comfortable when i'm with him. 

i feel like i can finally, fully be me.

he believes in me. 

he sees me. all of me.

and he loves me.

and he gives so much of himself to me.

i finally feel like i'm taken care of.

and i want to take care of him.

i could listen to him talk for hours.

we can laugh and laugh like little kids.

we kind of just work.

BUT

we don't believe the same things.

there's this scary question mark lurking around the corner asking,

well..what about this?

and what if this happened?

and i absolutely have no clue what to do.

my family doesn't approve.

neither do my friends.

i've personally changed a lot in this relationship.

my bipolar self half the time loves it, the other half of the time i stare in the mirror and ask,

"what the hell are you doing?"

i am living a double life. 

and my indecisiveness really is helping this thing move along.

it's a dilemma where the answer seems so easy:

clean break.

but that's too hard. that will send me reeling.
probably send me past the point of feeling.
so, gosh, someone tell me what to do.

all i can say is,

what a beautiful mess i'm in.

what if i never find love again?

just shoot me now.
like why did the most amazing guy for me have to simultaneously be the worst guy for me?
chemistry is a-blazing, hormones raging and i'm left having to decide between what's right and this guy.
how is that fair?
when suddenly you connect with someone and you go, "oh. so this is love." this is what they talk about in movies and books and coffee shops.
this is the feeling i didn't even know i needed.
and it's amazing and unexplainable and you have no clue how life will ever be the same without him.

THE question of the month has been, "what do i want?"
do i change my mind on morals for him or do i stay true and let go of the sparks?

and what if this unexplainable, impossible love is never to be found again with another?
what then?
do i settle for lukewarm?
and when i'm 40, i still think of him as i stare out the window wondering what could have been?

is that the result?
if so, is it worth it?

all thoughts these days end in question marks. it's all a bittersweet what-if.

lots of sighs and teary eyes. i don't want this to be goodbye.

negative nothing.

When did I suddenly become 35 years old? I mean, in reality, I'm only 19 but it feels like I'm 35. Struggling to make ends meet, wishing I could just go back to the easy days, mourning a childhood I never had. Why do I have to be so grown up? So serious? So responsible? Why did I take everything I had for granted? It seems as if I win one battle and just as I put the sword down, I'm invaded by an even bigger enemy. Just last year, I had the world in my hands. And it has all crumbled and fell apart. Now, I have nothing. Really, I have negative nothing. I can't even feed myself because I am so worried, lying in debt, not just financially, but physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I have faith, but how long can your faith hold out? Shreds of hope are being cut at every day when another blow is thrown.

I'm stuck in a desert sunset. There's beauty in the distance, but I'm so dehydrated. I'm so thirsty. I'll never make it to the sun. Please tell me there's hope for me yet.

from frail to flying.

I find that when I am most oblivious, wonderful things happen. Like I'm sitting alone and this guy introduces himself to me? Little do I know this moment answers many questions that I had been asking for months.
Did I make the right decision?
Am in the right place?
And in that moment, I feel I was told that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
And as a week has transpired (feels like a couple months, really), I keep on asking someone to pinch me because of this fairytale-like dream. Because of the comfort. And because of the sheer perfection of this guy.
Sure, he's only a few inches taller than me.
But that is about the only thing I can find as a fault in him..something he can't even change.
ARE YOU KILLING ME?!
God plopped Prince Charming down on me, even though I still was in my rags and didn't know when the ball began.
And still, Charming sees something in me, likes me, and has whisked me off my feet.
I can't even believe. I've been shaking my head nonstop at the wonder and this blessing.

stuff it.

so I almost went away with a guy to a foreign country that I barely knew this week.
my family caught me in the last second and begged me to come back.
stubbornly, i returned.
when they called crying, telling me how much they loved me and how valuable i was to them, i felt nothing. i knew should feel extreme sorrow for making them stay up all night and worry their hearts out for me. i knew i should have been more careful and not booked a trip with a stranger, but i didn't feel...anything.

i felt numb.
still do to be honest.
i have dealt with enough heartache and loss in my life that a little more doesn't seem like it will hurt me.
they were worried that he would rape me or kidnap me.
literally my thought process was that if that happened, i could get over it and that life would go on.
because i've done that many times before.
you see, i've dealt with a varying degrees of hell in my life.
addiction, temptation, divorce, betrayal, suicidal thoughts, rejection, loneliness, abuse.
so if you add another to the list, it doesn't seem like it would make anymore of a difference.
to me, at least.

i hope i can begin to feel again and that i can live life without the burdens of darkness weighing me down.

i don't blame anyone for the things that i have experienced in my life. i wouldn't be who i am without them. i do need to sort through and find the true me and let go of past hurt and fear.

i hope my family can forgive me for the pain i caused them. it wasn't intentional and it was not to seek attention.

this experience really helped me to see that there was more going on behind the scenes with my emotions than i thought.

after months of thinking..

You can't make decisions.
Your answer is always "I don't know."
What do you know?
You are selfish.
Have you ever thought about how your actions might affect others?
Like, oh, I don't know, bringing dates with you to events where you know I will see you.
Does that not cross your mind as wrong?
Maybe for ten seconds, I see a spark of hope in you.
But then you do something so dumb and childish.
Grow up.
What's it going to take for you--another ten years--to grow up?
By then you'll be in your forties and still won't know what's going on.

Manipulation Nation.
Going to dances but never taking chances.
Time to change.
Unless you want to stay the same, keep playing your player's game.
Bite your nails, you will continue to fail.
You would rather continually sink than sail.
Oh well.

I tried, man.
To forgive you.
To love you despite it all.
But sometimes you gotta catch yourself from the hopeless fall.
Pull and the parachute explodes.
Heaven knows,
I can't head another second into your toxicity.
You're done playing me.