why is it that i'm confused?

so I told myself this crap--this BULL SHIT--wouldn't happen again.
but here I am.
feeling this unsettled feeling in my stomach.
worried.
abandoned, yet in the arms of my so-called love.

HOW
WHY
do I do this to myself?

I want to cry but then I want to run into his arms.
I think that's called a narcissistic relationship, if I've ever heard one.
you hate them, you love them.
I feel buried.
but I want him.
I want to believe his intentions are pure.
that he doesn't mean to silence me and gaslight me.

I try to stand up for myself, but I get shut down.
now i'm afraid of sharing my thoughts for the fear of awakening the beast.
but i'm too afraid of walking away cause it's not that bad.
cause a mediocre relationship is better than nothing, right?

when will I wake up to what I deserve?
dear little girl, dear self, believe you are worth more than the moon and the stars, so demand something more.
and if you don't get that?
Walk. Away.
the hardest part. but you are strong enough to do it.

I don't want to look in the mirror anymore with sad eyes.
I don't want to pretend everything is fine when I talk to my friends.
I don't want to keep waiting for it to be like it was originally.
cause that ain't comin back.

why can't people just be good? why do I have to love and trust so easily?
why do I lose my identity for a guy? for every guy?
why do I insist on erasing myself from my own freaking picture?