what if i never find love again?

just shoot me now.
like why did the most amazing guy for me have to simultaneously be the worst guy for me?
chemistry is a-blazing, hormones raging and i'm left having to decide between what's right and this guy.
how is that fair?
when suddenly you connect with someone and you go, "oh. so this is love." this is what they talk about in movies and books and coffee shops.
this is the feeling i didn't even know i needed.
and it's amazing and unexplainable and you have no clue how life will ever be the same without him.

THE question of the month has been, "what do i want?"
do i change my mind on morals for him or do i stay true and let go of the sparks?

and what if this unexplainable, impossible love is never to be found again with another?
what then?
do i settle for lukewarm?
and when i'm 40, i still think of him as i stare out the window wondering what could have been?

is that the result?
if so, is it worth it?

all thoughts these days end in question marks. it's all a bittersweet what-if.

lots of sighs and teary eyes. i don't want this to be goodbye.