i was the exception.

i was the less-than-1-percent that made it past the first few rounds.

just because he felt something different with me that made him want to keep going.

and even when we split, we couldn't stay apart. 

i feel so comfortable when i'm with him. 

i feel like i can finally, fully be me.

he believes in me. 

he sees me. all of me.

and he loves me.

and he gives so much of himself to me.

i finally feel like i'm taken care of.

and i want to take care of him.

i could listen to him talk for hours.

we can laugh and laugh like little kids.

we kind of just work.

BUT

we don't believe the same things.

there's this scary question mark lurking around the corner asking,

well..what about this?

and what if this happened?

and i absolutely have no clue what to do.

my family doesn't approve.

neither do my friends.

i've personally changed a lot in this relationship.

my bipolar self half the time loves it, the other half of the time i stare in the mirror and ask,

"what the hell are you doing?"

i am living a double life. 

and my indecisiveness really is helping this thing move along.

it's a dilemma where the answer seems so easy:

clean break.

but that's too hard. that will send me reeling.
probably send me past the point of feeling.
so, gosh, someone tell me what to do.

all i can say is,

what a beautiful mess i'm in.

what if i never find love again?

just shoot me now.
like why did the most amazing guy for me have to simultaneously be the worst guy for me?
chemistry is a-blazing, hormones raging and i'm left having to decide between what's right and this guy.
how is that fair?
when suddenly you connect with someone and you go, "oh. so this is love." this is what they talk about in movies and books and coffee shops.
this is the feeling i didn't even know i needed.
and it's amazing and unexplainable and you have no clue how life will ever be the same without him.

THE question of the month has been, "what do i want?"
do i change my mind on morals for him or do i stay true and let go of the sparks?

and what if this unexplainable, impossible love is never to be found again with another?
what then?
do i settle for lukewarm?
and when i'm 40, i still think of him as i stare out the window wondering what could have been?

is that the result?
if so, is it worth it?

all thoughts these days end in question marks. it's all a bittersweet what-if.

lots of sighs and teary eyes. i don't want this to be goodbye.