you've been lonely too long.

You are aware of your walls.
Your defenses.
And oh, I know how you yearn for them to be burnt down.
Let me in.
I won't hurt you.

You say you've been lonely so long you don't know how you couldn't be.
You say you're so afraid to fall because you don't want to get hurt.

Realize that I won't hurt you.

It's time to take a risk.
You'll regret it if you don't.

I see you contemplating on the inside.
Deep down, you already know the answer.
I can see it in your eyes, your actions.
But your mind won't let you.
And that's your problem.
You've told me that you've trained yourself to think with your mind instead of your heart.
But your mind can't comprehend love and relationships.
So turn your heart back on and you will find the answer.

Because when you think logically, you realize how forbidden our love is, just like you said.
You think of the time that would be wasted if we didn't end up together.
You think of the opportunity cost.
You think of this all as if us girls are statistics on a page and you're seeing which one has the better sum.
The one who can produce the best product.


I'm falling for you.
I know it without a doubt.
I'm scared as well.
I have many concerns that I have thought of in my mind.
But I'm going to let myself fall.
Because, for you, it's worth the risk.
Of getting my heart broken.
Of listening to sad songs for a month and eating too much chocolate.
It's so worth it because you are what I want.
And if I fail, so be it.
I think that's what is so beautiful about it all.
I'm willing to be in the depths of despair for the possibility that you might pick me.

can i be enough for you?

You keep on waiting for the next best thing.

For years you've been waiting for that perfect moment, the perfect girl. 

But what you haven't realized that it's sitting right here.

The answer, the one.

Yet you're blind and keep on with your life of a bachelor because you think that girl is still around the corner.

Eventually you'll run out of walls to walk around.

Eventually you'll have to deal with the walls you've put up. 

The time you've wasted. 

And the girl you've let go.

Because I don't know if I can wait any longer.

I don't know if I can hold my heart out for you, while you play with it like play dough. 

You joke that I'm just your part-time girl.

But it's not a joke.

It's true.

You want me when you want me, but then you see that gorgeous girl and forget.

Forget our chemistry.

Our long conversations.

Our easy moments of silence.

How everything just worked so naturally.

I've never been enough for anyone in my life.

And now you're just making my predicament even worse.

I've been justifying your actions, thinking that you might eventually change.

But I don't think players change.

And I think you're okay with playing the game for another few years.

So when you're done looking for perfection, and when you realize that no one is perfect, realize that the perfect girl for you is long gone.

Because she didn't want to be loved part-time.

She wanted love full-time.

wanted. loved. accepted.

You know, I wish I could say I feel those words from my family and my friends. 

But I don’t. 

Almost the opposite.

One second I’m fine. Riding on Cloud 9.

The next, I’m back in the dust, cringing from the head rush from the fall.

I don’t feel like I am ever good enough for my parents.

You would like to think that once you are living on your own and out of their reach that you wouldn’t need to feel it anymore. 

But when it seems like you’re so alone in the world of new friends and few friends, you want that rock solid love you know you can depend on.

And I don’t have that.

So, I feel like I’m bipolar.

My mood swings are horrendous.

And at the end of the day, I swallow the lump in my throat and hug myself goodnight whispering, “it’s going to be okay, sweetheart.”

That very sentence I’ve been telling myself for years now.

I want someone to hold me close for a few seconds longer than normal and whisper that exact thing to me.

For a few seconds I feel like my mom loves me the way I am.

Then I get a phone call with yells on the other end that I keep messing up.

All of that just says to me, “You’re never good enough. How can you be so dumb, little girl?”

The few calls I get from my father all surround 3 things: music, money, and boys that I shouldn’t be dating.

Because when my dad left the house, I was only 13.

Because my dad still sees me that way.

Because my dad doesn’t even know me.

He doesn’t know my talents, my struggles, my friends, my thoughts and perspectives.

All he knows is that I am going to college and that I am dating guys that are never good enough.

How would he know if he doesn’t even ask about their personality? Only their stats.

Cause that’s what matters in the end, right?

Where you’re from.

What you do.

How much money you make.

What you look like.

So many people let that DEFINE them.

Least important things in my opinion.

Where is his heart?

How does he treat you?

What are his talents?

Never am I asked those questions.

Somedays, I feel like I have no strength to go on.

I’m put off. Placed on the back-burner. Forgotten.

Never good enough.

Good, but not quite there.

Yet, I’m so kind. Loyal. I listen. I give advice if needed. I care. Genuinely.

And I keep getting pushed. Shoved.

So I recede even deeper into the fractured shell I want to completely break.

But I have to keep rebuilding it after it’s been broken.

Because for a moment, I thought I could trust.

I thought someone absolutely had my back.

And then that moment ended.

So I become a passive pushover.

A dandelion in the wind, whose seeds are strewn across the earth with no home.

An annoying fly that whizzes away when you don’t want it there anymore.

Get the fly swatters out. I'll keep flying till my time is up.